1.
“I as soon as walked in on my mother and father having intercourse. It was essentially the most embarrassing half-hour of my life.”
2.
“An escalator can by no means break — it will possibly solely change into stairs. You need to by no means see ‘Escalator quickly out of order,’ simply ‘Escalator quickly stairs.’”
3.
“I hate when ladies examine males to canine. Males aren’t canine. Canine are loyal. I’ve by no means discovered any unusual panties in my canine’s home.”
4.
“I used to be going to sail across the globe on the earth’s smallest ship, however I bottled it.”
5.
“I do not suppose we’re as wonderful as our mother and father are… I am not going to have any struggles to inform my youngsters about. What’s my story going to be like? ‘Ah, son, as soon as, once I was flying from New York to LA, my iPad died!'”
6.
“A health care provider gave his affected person six months to stay…however he couldn’t pay his invoice, so he gave him one other six months.”
7.
“Asian ladies, we stay perpetually. And you already know why we’re such dangerous drivers? As a result of we’re attempting to die. We’re like, ‘Yeah! Let me see how invincible I actually am!’”
8.
“My girlfriend makes me need to be a greater individual — so I can get a greater girlfriend.”
9.
“I hate weddings…they’re needy and smug. They go, ‘Oh, we’re getting married. Do you wanna come and watch us for 12 hours?’ ‘No. Fuck, no.’ Even the invite is smug, is not it? It is like a royal decree. ‘You might be cordially invited…’ It is not a fucking honor. I do not wanna go to your shitty wedding ceremony. Know what I imply? And then you definitely go, ‘Oh, proper, yeah. When is it?’ They go, ‘Two years’ time.’ They know you have not received an excuse for 2 years’ time.”
10.
“My sister was with two males in a single evening…she may hardly stroll after that. Are you able to think about? Two dinners? That’s plenty of meals.”
11.
“I used to suppose the mind was essentially the most fascinating a part of the physique. Then I spotted, nicely…look what’s telling me that.”
12.
“If it is a penny on your ideas and you set in your two cents value, then somebody, someplace is making a penny.”
13.
“I as soon as wore a peekaboo shirt. Individuals would peek after which boo.”
14.
“I can’t take heed to any new songs. As a result of each new track is about how tonight is the evening and we solely have tonight. That’s such 19-year-old horseshit. I need to write songs for individuals of their 30s known as ‘Tonight’s no good. How about Wednesday? Oh, you’re in Dallas Wednesday? Let’s not see one another for eight months and it doesn’t matter in any respect.’”
15.
“I journey quite a bit. TSA appears at my identify, and all of a sudden I’m essentially the most attention-grabbing man on the earth. ‘Mr. Mohammed…please step this fashion.’”
16.
Mentioned to her boyfriend: “Have you learnt how simple it could be for me to cheat on you? Have you learnt what number of holes I’ve in me? I take this slice of Swiss cheese across the block — it’s over for you, dude.”
17.
“Right here’s all it’s a must to learn about women and men: Girls are loopy, males are silly. And the principle motive ladies are loopy is that males are silly.”
18.
“You recognize, some individuals say life is brief and that you can get hit by a bus at any second and that it’s a must to stay every day prefer it’s your final. Bullshit. Life is lengthy. You are most likely not gonna get hit by a bus, and also you’re gonna should stay with the alternatives you make for the following 50 years.”
19.
“The primary celebration you’ve got and the final celebration you’ve got are literally fairly related. You simply sort of sit there. You’re the least excited individual on the celebration. You didn’t even actually notice that there’s a celebration. Each birthday events’ individuals have that can assist you blow out the candles. It’s additionally the one two birthday events the place different individuals have to collect your mates collectively for you.”
20.
“I desire a girl…with authentic manufacturing facility settings.”
21.
On by accident setting himself on fireplace: “Hearth is inspirational. They need to use it within the Olympics, ‘trigger I did the 100-yard sprint in 4.3. You recognize one thing I came upon? Whenever you’re on fireplace and working down the road, individuals will get out of your means. Aside from one outdated drunk, he’s going, ‘Can I get a light-weight? How about it? Just a bit off the sleeve. Okay?’”
22.
“I used to be identified as an unsightly baby on the age of 11 by a caricature artist at a Six Flags, and I didn’t know till then. I actually didn’t, after which he turned that canvas round and my dad was like, ‘Oh my God, it’s uncanny.’ My entire household’s like, ‘Whoa, Nik, it’s you!’ ‘I’m like, ‘Actually? Okay, I didn’t know I had buck tooth and bushy eyebrows, a Founding Father haircut and a tiny bicycle.’ However then I knew.”
23.
“Why do they name it rush hour when nothing strikes?”
24.
“It is wonderful how electronic mail has modified our lives. You ever get a handwritten letter within the mail right this moment? ‘What the? Has somebody been kidnapped?'”
25.
“I am paranoid about every thing in my life. Even at dwelling on my stationary bike, I’ve received a rearview mirror.”
26.
“I really like being married. It’s nice to seek out that one particular individual you need to annoy for the remainder of your life.”
27.
“I don’t get no respect — once I was born, I used to be so ugly…the physician slapped my mom!”
28.
“I’m terrified of the tuxedo. I am going to clarify. Whenever you’re a white man and also you placed on a tux, you go from common Joe to James Bond, undercover agent. You look cool. Whenever you’re a Black man, you go from common Joe to Barack Obama. Presidential. Whenever you’re a Latino male, you go from common Jose to waiter.”
29.
“The primary time I see a jogger smiling, I am going to take into account it.”
30.
“In the event you scent burning toast, you’re both having a stroke…or simply overcooking your toast.”
31.
“Throwing acid is mistaken…in some individuals’s eyes.”
32.
“I by no means believed in Santa Claus as a result of I knew no white dude would come into my neighborhood after darkish.”
33.
“In the event you may go wherever on the earth… I mentioned, ‘Anyplace?’ He mentioned ‘Anyplace.’ I’m like, ‘To the opposite aspect of the room. Now please get out of the way in which of a lady and her dream.’”
34.
“So my spouse mentioned she learn this text in {a magazine} and he or she mentioned: ‘You recognize, perhaps you are affected by untimely ejaculation.’ Yeah, does it appear like I am struggling? These aren’t tears in your stomach.”
35.
“All males make errors, however married males discover out about them sooner.”
36.
“I used to play sports activities. Then I spotted you should buy trophies. Now I’m good at every thing.”
37.
“I find the money for to final me the remainder of my life…until I purchase one thing.”
38.
“I’m in remedy, which is bizarre as a result of I’m Midwestern. I must be burying this ache in my yard with a pie.”
39.
“I simply joined a health club. I don’t work on the market, I simply joined it. It’s good to have one thing to cancel.”
40.
“I get into arguments with taxi drivers on a regular basis. I get out of the cab and slam the door, however that’s not the way in which to win an argument with a taxi driver. The way in which to win is you get out of the cab and go away the door open. Then he has to get out, come round and shut the door. Whereas he’s doing that, I’m on the opposite aspect, opening the opposite doorways. And we simply maintain going round and round and round. And I received my very own Benny Hill scenario happening, and I gained.”
41.
On birthdays throughout his childhood: “After I was 10 there wasn’t trampolines and cartoon characters, I by no means went to Chuck E. Cheese! My mother mentioned, ‘You wanna see a mouse, pull the fridge out!'”
42.
“I used to be sitting in my residence enjoying my favourite residence recreation: Discover the scent. Fortunately, it was me.”
43.
“Alcohol: As a result of no nice story ever began with somebody consuming a salad.”
44.
“In the event you go to a Black historical past museum and you bought a Black tour information, you’ll want to go within the morning whereas he’s nonetheless in an excellent temper… You gotta catch him at 9:00 a.m. He simply completed that McGriddle. ‘How y’all doing? My identify is Charles, it’s my pleasure to take you on this journey. Take a look at these reveals proper right here. Black historical past is American historical past. Come have a look at the reveals.’ You suppose that brother gonna be in an excellent temper at 4:30? He been observing slavery all day. That dude liable to cuss out everyone. ‘Take a look at this shit! Come look what you accomplished to us! Look what you — get your ass out my museum, motherfucker!’ You go to the reward store, it’s simply individuals crying.”
45.
“I am a procrastinator, man. It is actually dangerous. It is an issue, you already know? I am anxious finally my bucket listing is simply gonna be a bunch of errands I have never run but. How unhappy would that be if my physician was like, ‘You bought just a few months left to stay,’ and I am like, ‘Dang, I received to rush up and body these pictures.'”
46.
“Quite a lot of Individuals are affected by despair youthful and youthful — our youngsters are seeing the sippy cup as half-empty.”
47.
“Asian mother and father are the final group of individuals you possibly can ever persuade to see a health care provider… Nothing could make my mother see a health care provider. My mother may have an arrow going proper by way of her pants and he or she’s attempting to drag it out like Rambo, proper? And also you’re like, ‘Yo, Mother, let’s go see a health care provider.’ And my mother might be like, ‘No. They only need to take individuals’s cash.’”
48.
“I’m not a giant supporter of small companies. I’m extra of a giant enterprise sort of man. I like companies so huge there’s one other enterprise within them, like a Goal with a Starbucks in it. However the true motive I don’t help small companies is as a result of I’ve irritable bowel syndrome…it’s a must to use their toilet, however these stone-cold killers will look you within the eyes and say no to you even after you say, ‘What if I purchase certainly one of your silly candles?’”
49.
On relationships with immigrant fathers: “You’d be like, ‘Dad, what’s your favourite colour?’ ‘Stanford!’ ‘What? I need to know extra about you.’ ‘Why do you need to learn about me? Get into Stanford!’”
50.
“In the event you can see the handwriting on the wall…you are on the bathroom.”